If indeed we are products of our environments, then does it not stand to reason that if we are surrounded by people that make us feel like crap, we will be more stressed than if we surround ourselves that make us feel good?
Recently I ended a relationship with a man who only ever seemed to have time for me when he was in the mood for an orgasm. Now do not get me wrong I’m all for sexual pleasure for stress relief, or for fun. That being said however, as a child I can promise you “I want to be a living breathing sex doll” was never on my list of would be achievements and goals.
I am a strong wise and courageous woman, but it took me a very long time to realize that. For almost twenty years I spent time working so hard to be what everyone else wanted me to be, I never really stopped to think about what I wanted for myself.
It wasn’t until I started helping the skin n bones global crew that I began to discover the same advice I was giving to them, I had to learn to take for myself.
I had to stop doing what everyone else told me to do and start looking at what I needed, what I wanted to be happy. Just like I told the now growing youth group of SNBG it does not matter what others expect of us, other people’s needs must always come secondary to our own if we are ever to be truly happy.
A person who spends their entire life pleasing others cannot possibly begin to understand what it is they need.
So with that being said I challenge you (again) but this time I challenge you to discover who you are, and what it is you need.
This is not an easy process, and it takes time – sometimes it can even take years, that being said however I can promise you once you take the time to take stock of your life, you will feel much better with your plan in hand.
First off make a list of all the people in your life who refuse to take no for an answer.
I remember I used to have a friend who would show up at all hours of the day and night expecting that I would be able to go for (and often pay) coffee without even calling to give me a heads up first. While I genuinely loved this friend, at the same time her desire to make her needs and her life more important than mine meant that our friendship was mostly about me supporting her no matter what and her rarely ever being there when I needed her. She was the first on the list.
Second are the people who only ever call you when they need something. The people who only ever tell you how awesome and wonderful you are when you help them, but ignore you the rest of the time; almost worse than those who refuse to take no for an answer, these people are like psychic vampires, taking everything and anything you have to offer and leave you wondering why and what you have done wrong that they don’t call you anymore.
Third and probably more important on your list of “things to remove from my life” is you! I want you to grab a piece of paper, right now go on I’ll wait……
Do you have it? Good. Now I want you to stare at your paper and I want you to make a list of every time in the last six months you have said yes to something you really didn’t want to do. Put that on the left side of the paper. On the right side I want you to make an equal list of the reasons why you said yes to things you did not want to do.
I want you to seriously think about all the reasons you may have said yes. For instance, that guy that only ever texts you when he’s horny at three am, the man who you are crushing on who only ever pays attention to you when no one is looking – are you really that into him? Or are you sticking it out because you’d rather have someone than no one at all?
The gist of this is that you deserve happiness; you deserve to feel like you matter, that you are as equally important to the people in your life as they are to you. If anyone in your life is making you feel unworthy, or unhappy then you need to ask yourself why, what is your part to play and how can you change it? Sometimes it’s enough to confront these people and other times you need to just cut the ties and say goodbye. Remember love is give and take that means its okay for you to take some as well as give it.
Devon Hallgate is like the punk rocker of advice giving. Never one to shy away, she has no problem shooting from the hip and telling it like it is. You can join her at www.syndenial.com.